Supermarkets and shops may be there for our convenience, but shopping trolleys most certainly aren’t. Sure, you can fill them to the brim with goodies but what’s the good in that when you go to push them and find yourself wobbling off in the completely opposite direction?
It doesn’t seem to matter how early or late I shop, no matter where I decide to spend my euros, the result is almost inevitably the same - I end up leaving a trail of destruction behind me because of the trolley from hell.
Oh, on the outside it looks just like a normal trolley, four wheels, a shiny basket and an ergonomically designed handle. But there, deep down in its little trolley soul, it’s pure, unadulterated evil.
Worse, it’s not until you get underway that you realise this trolley is bad news. Yes, it’ll lull you into a false sense of security as you put in your euro, remove it from the trolley rack and head for the shop door, then its true colours show and you end up careering wildly, like some drunken driver, for the entrance. The door may be 10 foot wide but thanks to this trolley you’ll have more luck winning the next 4 lotto jackpots then safely negotiating the entrance lobby. There will be victims left in your wake, all bruised knees and mangled toes and you’ll bear the brunt of their ire when really it’s all the bloody trolley’s fault.
Even the relative calm of the shopping aisles won’t be enough to save you. A straight line, ha! This trolley defies the laws of physics. Three of the four wheels on this vehicle may be facing the front but it’s the fourth that seals your doom, the one twirling around frantically like a three year old after a kilo of skittles.
Add in the trolley from hell and even the shortest aisle will seem like a marathon as you twist yourself into knots, arms locked, knees askew in a bid to force this cart vaguely in the direction you want to actually go. Forget stopping. Once you’ve passed that tin of coffee it’s too late and unless you plan on going round again - and let’s face it, you won’t - then you’ll be going caffine free for the next week.
The worst part of this experience though, is the sheer number of victims you rack up as you career around the shop. Unsuspecting old ladies, shopping mothers, bewildered men wandering round the fresh fruit and veg section, everyone’s fair game for the trolley and, by association, you.
Toss aside your shopping list because you’ll be spending all your time apologising to disgruntled shoppers and muttering dire threats under your breath about your future plans for the trolley.
The only bright ray on the horizon is the knowledge that at least one of the 20 people lying moaning and incapacitated in your wake, may have actually deserved it. Still the odds are that you may be forcibly lynched by the other 19 innocents before you make it past the chilled section.
Of course picking this trolley means that you’ll have to think very carefully before you venture down into the drinks section of the store. Sure, you may be able to restrict the amount of carnage in the canned beer section, but are you prepared to sprint into the wide blue yonder if you take out all the expensive bottles of pinot grigio along with two hapless shelf stackers? You had better be wearing your running shoes...
Lining yourself up for the till also becomes a feat of superhuman effort with Hell Trolley. My experience is that it’s best to just shut your eyes shove the trolley and hope for the best. If you manage to clock victim number 21 be prepared to pretend you are from a foreign country, or blame one of your children.... Desperation makes us do very ugly things, but not half as ugly as what your fellow shopper will do to you if you accidentally castrate him with the corner of your trolley.
If you do manage to make it through the tills don’t forget you’ll have the fun of the carpark to negotiate before you can run screaming home. Murphy’s law means your battered honda will inevitably be parked between two gleaming 2012 motors. Aim for your own car and take whatever dents come your way unless you want to add more enemies to your ever growing list.
Of course, you’d think that, having had such an abysmal experience we’d want to save our fellow human from a similar shopping fate, but for some reason, evil trolleys really do bring out the worst in us. So as soon as the trolley is unloaded we head straight back to trolley rack and dump the defective shopping vehicle in for the next unsuspecting sucker. I know, that sucker will inevitably be me. Thanks for that.