New Year, new delusion

Every January 1 without fail, I make a whole raft of resolutions that I promptly either forget about or ignore for the next 12 months. But this year will be different.

Every January 1 without fail, I make a whole raft of resolutions that I promptly either forget about or ignore for the next 12 months. But this year will be different.

I have finally accepted that, by and large most of my previous resolutions were completely delusional. Not on a ‘dictator world take over bid’ sort of delusional scale, but definitely up there with my theory that, if I was just motivated enough, even I could beat Usain Bolt in the 100m dash.

Last year I promised to eat better, exercise every day, organise my life to free up spare time and actually send any Christmas/Birthday/Christening/Wedding greetings before the big day.

I know, it doesn’t sound like much but despite such low expectations, I have achieved absolutely nothing on my list during 2012. Oh I started well with the exercising and then it was wet and cold and miserable and that was just the Summer. Couple this with the fact I’m Australian and, after 15 years here I’m still unable to accept that anything with a temperature below 18C is warm, and I’m afraid I quickly threw in the towel on the whole daily walk/jog/crawl plan.

My healthy eating push was doomed from the moment that the boxes of festive Roses arrived in my house for Christmas 2011. I was still eating them in February. This was an epic fail on two fronts as not only did I put on weight instead of losing it, I’m also allergic to chocolate and shouldn’t have been eating them in the first place. The writing was very clearly on the wall for my New Year/New You mantra long before I’d even gotten started.

As for the organisational overhaul - well maybe it was a little bit optimistic to think I’d suddenly turn my home/work desk into a haven of tranquillity. I should have started much lower, say, with organising my handbag, cleaning out the car glove box, achieving world peace, you know, something more realistic.

So this year I’m cutting my loses and thinking microscopically small when it comes to New Year resolutions.

In 2013 I will:

• Beat anybody who enters my house with a box of chocolates/cake/ etc (preferably with the box of said chocolates).

• Shut my eyes when I go through the checkouts of my local supermarket so that I don’t lapse and buy myself yet another box of bloody Roses etc.

• Stop telling myself that glass of wine equals one of my five health portions a day because it’s made from fruit.

• Quit blaming the dog for failing to go for a daily walk - really how can I expect a six year old hound to look skyward and rationalise whether it looks like it’ll rain in half an hour or not.

• Not allow my husband to buy any turf to rear this year. Those midges won’t be getting a piece of me again in 2013.

• Stop making lists of chores that I never do. I probably still won’t do all the chores but at least I’ll spare some trees a pointless death through more paper wastage.

• Stop hoping that the high rainfall here in Ireland will cancel out that fact that my dog smells like he rolled in slurry. He did roll in slurry and it’s going to take more than a ‘grand soft morning’ to change that, which leads to my final resolution.

• Wash the dog. No seriously, he smells terrible.