05 Jul 2022

The art of car abandonment

by Leonie McKiernan

by Leonie McKiernan

Maybe I’m not the most patient person in the world, but I’d defy anyone to view the rash of stupid parking in the past few weeks without at least thinking about writing a very snippy note for someone’s windscreen. A bad driver will attempt, and probably fail, to park a car, what we’re seeing goes way beyond unskilled. I know we’ve all seen them, but just in case you’ve been driving with your eyes closed (probably not a great idea, just so you know) here is a quick list of the very worst offenders:

• The I’m feeling lonely parker - The emotionally needy of the car park world these drivers are stricken with a desperate urge to park as close as humanly possible to the car next to them - regardless of how much space they have to manoeuvre. Of course this leaves the driver of the victim vehicle feeling violated in more ways than one, after all there’s no dignified way to enter your vehicle via the sunroof because you can’t get to your door.

• Abandonment - There’s plenty of room along the kerb and the town isn’t packed but this parker doesn’t believe in walking, especially not when they can just stop their car in the middle of the road and nip into the shops. After half an hour of waiting, these offenders usually offer waiting traffic a cheery wave on their return to their car. Ah sure you couldn’t be mad with them after that could you......

• The upscale abandonment - These drivers are slightly more conscientious than the usual previous example as they take the time to thoughtfully switch on their hazard lights. This, of course, miraculously makes it ok it block two lanes of traffic for 10 minutes in town because they want to use the ATM.

• The close enough is good enough - Apparently these drivers don’t subscribe to the theory that ‘if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again’. They drive they park, sort of, and they walk away with no feelings of inadequacy at all. Lines are just a rough guide to them. A REALLY rough guide.

• It dropped out of the sky - Looking at this monumental feat of parking you could be forgiven for thinking the only way it could have been achieved was if it was dropped by a UFO, but no, there’s nothing supernatural about it. Cars which end up on their sides after trying to mount a kerb; cars that take out parking meters, end up in a landscaped carpark garden or spectacularly bury themselves in the front of shop didn’t get there without the help of a really inept driver.

• The Jesse James parker - The law does not apply in any shape or form to these people. They laugh in the face of double yellow lines, footpaths or bus stops. And just like Jesse James the law is always one step behind and you won’t see too many tickets on the offending car. Leave them a helpful message if you have a sheet of paper and pen handy. At best it’ll give them a minor heart attack when they think, for that split second, that their lawbreaking days are finally over.

• The miraculous recovery - A car pulls into a disabled car parking space and yet, miraculously, a completely unimpeded driver alights and jogs into the shops. It’s a miracle! Someone call the Sunday World, they love these sort of ‘I was disabled but I parked the car and now I’m fine stories’. I mean, only a total tool would dare park illegally in a disabled spot wouldn’t they?

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