Positive Parenting: Explaining big issues to not so big people

CURRENT news items don’t make for easy listening or reading. The cost of living crisis is an ongoing topic on the news, and a very real issue for many families. The housing crisis and child homelessness continues to be an issue that pervades Irish society, and the war in Ukraine and acts of terror seem to punctuate daily news. It is hard for us, as adults, to hear what seems like constant bad news but what makes it seem harder is the need to protect our children from it.

One minute you’re in your car, singing along to your child’s favourite song. Then the news comes on and you’re fiddling with buttons at break-neck speed, trying to change radio station before the dreaded questions start coming from the back seat. ‘Mommy, why did that man have to go prison?’ Why is somebody missing, where did he go?’ While we all handle these situations and lines of questioning differently, there are a couple of things that are worth bearing in mind.

Try to answer questions in a way that is age and stage appropriate. A child of five, for example, needs surface information. Enough to feel that her question is being answered but not so much that it will scare her. Take, for example, the question about prison.

You could begin by explaining that there are rules, maybe taking school as an example. Talk about how most people follow those rules but there are some (just a few) who don’t. When that happens, a judge has to decide what kind of time-out to give that person and sometimes, that time-out means having to stay in prison for a while. At five, this will generally satisfy her curiosity and additional questions might focus on the prison itself – what colour are the walls, what do people in there eat etc. For an older child of eight or nine, their focus will generally lean more towards the crime itself and this can be trickier.

You may find that you have to offer quite a bit of reassurance around how rare these events are and assure her that your job is always to keep her safe. For teenagers, it provides an opportunity to take about and cause and effect, a reminder of how one poor decision can have lifelong consequences and of the importance of personal safety.

Don’t forget to line up your stories. There’s nothing worse than going to great lengths to find a suitable explanation for a question, only to hear ‘well Grandad said that man hurt the other man and then he died’. Talk to your partner, childminder and parents about how much information your child needs for their particular age so that you are all singing from the same hymn sheet. This is particularly useful when the birds and the bees conversations begin!

Bear in mind that you can’t shield your children from everything. Newspaper headlines in shops are largely unavoidable, as is the information available on social media (for older children). What you can do is let them know that they can always ask you questions, share their worries or fear with you and talk to you about things that they might hear and don’t understand. Google or Alexa might answer some of their questions, but they can’t climb into bed beside your child when she has a nightmare or is unwell.

This article was contributed by a member of Parenting Limerick. Parenting Limerick is a network of parenting and family support organisations. For more information on this and other topics go to www.loveparenting.ie.